January 22nd, 2009. Houston, Texas

January 22, 2010

My first day of journaling. It's my first shot at it, so go easy on me. ;)

7:25 am

                This morning’s primary focus will be on finishing the governments’ documents for federal/state grants.  Then later this afternoon, to focus on filing applications on-line; as most employers now days seem to prefer that method. And to be quite honest, I adore the idea!  I can cut down the anxiety that I go thru concerning a “face to face” encounter. Saving that for a more important time, like the interview.  There are several reasons that I experience this anxiety. Two reasons that I can think of, fear of rejection/failure, and the thought of what will be “there” response.  On the latter, as in will the prospective employer/employees (people that I encounter in the process) show a positive attitude; or will they prove to be cold and cynical.  Like the other day I walked into this one nice restaurant to get an application, the reception that I received though, was not so nice. Upon entry, I approached the host and hostess, in my perception; it was as if they did not believe that I belonged there. Now in the past I have gotten that response here and there, yet I rarely put myself into that possession without a good amount of money, just for shock value, I would put on the ritz!  I enjoyed proving to them, though they (according to my perception) seam to not trust me totally, or are just uncomfortable with me; as I am not usually in a suit or tie. I may not have looked professional, yet I did always carry myself as a professional, sometimes that don’t matter! Hay, I guess that was when I would just try to “kill em’ with kindness”.  I find myself at a loss in certain situations when all I have to offer is me; and I’m not all that much desired.  That tells me that I need to work on my self-esteem, that’s a fact.

4:05 pm

                Success!!!  Got the FAFSA paper work completed and tuned in!  Got that done then worked on my resume, critiquing it with the right info (new cell #, address change, and fixed the “bullets”).  As well as supping up this state ran headhunter page on the internet so that I will be singled out for more service oriented job leads.  Then created a word document that I can copy, then paste onto on-line applications; as well as putting my resume on a word document to be e-mailed to prospective employers.  Finally, went through a few fresh employment news papers; filtered them, then made a list of prospective employers from those sources.  Back at ye old bunk house now, about to get ready to get ready for tonight.  Lucky me, I get to go hang out with Sean and visit with my friends at PTB!  My brain needs to be stimulated in a more thoughtful way with non-drama human interaction, seriously!  I feel really good right now, I have wanted to send that information off and get the balls rolling for so long now, and at last….let her roll baby!  I owe so many thanks to so many people, for without, I fear that this current status that I am relishing, would not be possible.  PTB helped me save me, bottom line. 

 9:45 pm

                Mercy, I can be such a spaze.  I don’t know… I believe that I need to get started on the CBT, that’s the acronym for Cognitive Behavior Therapy.  I have been self-destructive for way to long. I don’t know... it’s like I got to beat the next guy to the punch, latterly and figuratively.  I speak mainly about situations that I end up in. Anything from a job, to a relationship; I am the master of screwing things up, if I believe that someone else is going to do it first.  Just to give examples, if it’s a job, and I am under the impression that the boss is going to fire me; I would just simply quite.  If it’s an intimate relationship, and it looks like the lady is going to drop me like a bad habit, I will just freak out and drop her like a bad habit; usually with a good dose of drama to boot.  If it is a friendship, I end it abruptly, though at times I give the cold shoulder before hand (it really depends on how close I am to someone).  But before I do that, I sweet bullets, I literally drive myself to a brink of despair, anxiety, and fear.  The acronym for fear is False Evadents Appearing Real; and what sucks more than anything is there are times that when I practice this behavior, it is sometimes done against people who have no hidden innuendos, therefore they don’t deserve what I end up dishing out.  Then, and if not right away, I end up losing a job, friend, and or a lady.  This is not a chronic issue as much as it is a reoccurring issue.  Bottom line it serves no positive aspect in my life; hence, it must be faced and dealt with.  But before I go, I would like to make it clear that I am aware of what I need to do in order to alleviate this negative behavior.  And will do so, all in good time.  The first step that I take is simply being aware of self.