January 28, 2010, Missery & Self-discovery, the pebbles on the pathway to growth!

An open and honest self analysts, and the day.

Today In A Nutshell

                Today has been a bit trying, I was planning on going to see this lady about getting a job; yet in am not able to go due to the simple fact that I did not budget my budget right, bottom line.  That ultimately resulted in a lack of bus fair for the trip.  Live and learn, right!?!  It’s been many years since I actually had a ‘plan’ for grocery money, so when Sean asked me to come up with a budget, once it sank in; I did not know where to start.  I contemplated going to the store and gathering all the goods that I would need, then check out; yet with no money in hand(as there was no budget as of yet), I decided to save face and stave off utter embarrassment.  So, I once again found myself unwittingly practicing self-defeating behavior; all because I did not want to appear like some type of idiot.  I don’t ever want to appear abnormal, so what else is there to do outside of putting on a front?  I know what you’re thinking, just ask right; uuuhhhmmm….NO!  That would make me look abnormal, a million fears go through my head concerning what someone would think about me; and I basically, bottom line, did not want to be inessentially  judged.  I find that now, consequentially, I am more aware of myself concerning this behavior, that I practice it quite often; even over a wide range of subjects that are a part of my life.  I believe that I am aware of what the ‘masses’ classified as common sense, yet find myself at a loss when I am unable to figure out something that would seemingly be simple; such as balance a budget or know how to react to someone not responding to me.  So, I had to do a little research; as I have been heard, and I quote “Jerrid is smart, but he just don’t got any ‘common sense’!”,  an sense I can’t seem to ‘get’ something, I would assume that maybe they were right.  Well my Aunt Jo told me, on a more positive note, that “The truth will set you free.” hence my dabbling into a more trusted source on words, and there meanings.  First I looked up the following term for clarity:

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                It seems that someone gave me the wrong impression on this phrase ‘common sense’, somehow I misinterpreted it as being what is really defined as common ‘knowledge’; Hence my dilemma…Where they mistaken or was it I whom was truly miss led/confused?  I guess the truth of the matter would lay at the heart of the matter.  So through a personal stance….This phrase was told to my ex, via her son.  He was speaking of how I conduct myself during high stress situations with his mother, well I admit…most of the time I did fine; then there were other time’s as well…..uuuuhhhhmmmmm…..in my defense it was always 50/50; you could have banked on it! There is truth to the fact that, at times, I lack my better judgment; in the heat of the moment….there have been times that I have snapped.  I do not pride myself by any negative action that I have ever committed. Yet it does bring me a bit of a cheap thrill to let you know that I have been accused of worst, than I have ever committed.  Though, and never the less; this is something that will be addressed through my therapist, as well as relayed to ‘chat’ for their insight.  I am very eager to get into therapy, it will be a great help.  Otherwise, things are always looking up when I can truly look within, and be honest with myself…even if it is a little on the grungy side!  I got a lot of work to do, though I know all in good time things will work out. J